Friday, December 17, 2010

Home Schooling A Gifted Child

By Holly Van Houten

There's a frustrating stigma attached to parents of gifted children.  If you talk about the issues that concern you about your child's giftedness, other parents view it as bragging.  Even writing this post now, I know some readers will react with "cry me a river.... poor you, your kid's really smart" (snarl a bit here with sarcasm for full effect).  It leaves parents of gifted kids with few people to turn to when dealing with kids that often have unique and extremely challenging difficulties.  It also means you have to deal with the often unsympathetic reactions of other parents when your kid goes ballistic over something that wouldn't bother their kid in a million years.

After many YEARS of researching, I now understand that much of my daughter's dramatic emotional intensity is characteristic of gifted kids, but that information gleaned earlier on, would've helped me cope more compassionately with her explosive fits of rage and frustration, rather than seeing them as just bad behavior.  She needed better understanding from me and didn't get it because I didn't know.  

Here's an example that most wouldn't relate to giftedness at all:  When she refused to wear clothes that it seemed every other kid on the planet could wear, simply because she couldn't tolerate the itchiness of even the softest cotton, or the tightness of clothes 4-5 sizes bigger than what she needed, I might have just accommodated that, instead of trying so hard to convince her she was being unreasonable.  I might have had an explanation to give her frustrated grandmothers who didn't understand why she never wore the clothes they bought for her.  I could have explained that her sensitivities, which cover a plethora of situations, also effect this seemingly mundane area of existence.  But, I didn't know.  I figured she was just being "difficult." 

There are so many areas, I wish I'd understood better and I should have.  Parents of children with Asperger's have a saying that goes like this:  "If you know one Aspie, you know one Aspie."  They're all very different.  I don't know if it's exactly the same with gifted children (though many kids with Asperger's are themselves, exceedingly gifted), but I do know that part of what got me in trouble was my perception that I knew what it was like to be a gifted kid.  I thought my own experiences would've helped me help her. I knew all about feeling bored out of my mind at school.  I knew about perfectionism.  I knew about feeling estranged from peers who thought my academic interests and existential angst bizarre.  In fact, when my daughter at 5yo, woke me up one night to pour her heart out about her own existential worries, I did actually feel equipped for that.  But, that didn't mean I had any kind of handle on many other of the myriad issues that would arise.  

How was I to know that when we got our first cats and the vet at that initial exam warned her that she should wash hands after playing with the cat to avoid worms, that she would take that to heart in such a serious way?  She loved her cats, played with them constantly and washed her hands hundreds of times each day until they bled (this on top of pre-existing eczema).  It took years, and several discussions with multiple doctors (who's credentials impressed her more than my own), to convince her that wasn't necessary.  I could go on and on, but suffice it to say that when I discovered sites like Hoagies Gifted Education page or the Gifted Homeschooler's Forum, I felt like I'd found people who finally understood... people I could learn from.

There was never any doubt in my mind that I would homeschool my daughter.  She began reading shortly after she turned 3 years old.  If I had put her in school, she'd have been bored out of her head and would have acted out in ways that would have forever branded her as a huge troublemaker.  My challenge was to challenge her and at least in that I felt somewhat equipped.  I had to find books for her to read that were advanced enough for her reading level, but also appropriate for her maturity level.  Needless to say, books written before 1950 came in handy for this.  But, as advanced as her language arts skills may have been early on, she hated math and showed no particular proficiency at it.  There was no uniform "giftedness" across every area.  This wasn't a child that would've necessarily done well skipping grades.  She really needed and still needs, the individualized education only homeschooling can provide.

Very little in her schooling has taken a traditional path and homeschooling has allowed us to forge her own unique path.  For example, one area she is definitely quite gifted is in music.  At 3 I started her with a piano teacher and by 6, her teacher was so enthusiastic about her budding protégé she had her competing in Bach competitions and playing Chopin.  I should have put the brakes on this, but I'm embarrassed to say, I was excited too.  Finally, she just refused to play.  The pressure was too intense.  She sensed every one of our expectations and just blew a fuse.  We halted the piano lessons and six months later, she barely remembered how to read music.  Only years later, did she come back to it on her own and now she works with my stepmother, who lets her set her own pace.  If she wants a lesson, she has one.  If she doesn't, no problem.  She learns only pieces she likes (though if she likes it, it's learned in a day) and eschews everything she dislikes.  She spends hours now at the piano, writing her own music and playing her favorites.  She loves it.  Going the traditional route, for her, destroyed her passion.  I had to learn the hard way (hard on her and hard on me) that freedom to learn as she likes is essential to her education.  

Now, personally, I'm only willing to take this so far.  For example, she would very much like to never look at another math problem again.  Too bad.  She'll learn her math and keep up with where she should be for her age.  That being said though, I researched until I found a math program with a strong language arts bent:  Life of Fred.  This makes math a bit more palatable.  These books include a story line -- and she's read the entire series unbidden, through Calculus (not that she's understood all the math mind you).  I could've fallen over the first time I came downstairs in the morning and found her lying on her stomach, happily thumbing through every page of the Advanced Algebra book.  

The greatest lesson I've learned with her is that if I give her fairly free reign over her homeschooling/education and just sit back and watch a bit, she astonishes me.  I'd say, consider that for your own gifted child, but see above about predicting gifted children J.      


31 comments:

  1. I am a Momma to a six year old only child and she is gifted also.

    So glad to have found your site.

    I pulled her from school this year and am now homeschooling just more than a month. Should have listened to my insides, but that is a whole other story. LOL

    God Bless and have a wonderful Christmas.

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  2. Hi Amy,

    Welcome and best of luck on your homeschooling journey. It's really very rewarding. You might look at my post on teaching writing to even the youngest kids: http://www.knittedthoughts.com/2010/11/writing-skills-for-homeschoolers.html

    Hope you have a wonderful Christmas too! :)

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  3. Wow, Holly. You and I should talk. So many of the things you have mentioned are things that came up with DD. Right down to the not understanding that the hypersensitivities are actual neurological differences and thus trying to talk DD into being "reasonable" with her clothing choices to the rejection of anything she sensed as "pressure" in the direction of a gift. And, yes, definitely the whole issue of having a hard time finding folks you can chat with who understand you aren't bragging but genuinely concerned.

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  4. Stephanie -- I always knew you and I were simpatico! :)

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  5. 'Hi' from W's mom in your Potter class!

    I see that you are linked from the GH Forum again. Congratulations!

    We have the toughest time finding curriculum for our son and although it is far from perfect, we're resuming "Moving Beyond the Page" in the Spring as it is our best choice. He excels in science, reading, grammar, conceptual math and history but helping him with development of solid writing skills or math facts mastery is very difficult. Without those skills, he is essentially stalling himself with his own learning. Sometimes is not enough if a gifted student is exceedingly talented at one subject, if they are not able to develop complementary skills that will help them to develop that main talent.

    I have the same issue with our son's meltdowns, we have been to a specialist psychologist who works with gifted children and read multiple books and articles in attempt to find a successful approach to quelling the viscous perfectionist that lives inside of my son. It is very hard for him to accept when he is not able to master something on the first or second try. We have also dealt with overly critical, though well-meaning friends' and families' comments. It can be very frustrating for us.

    Your HP class was a huge milestone for our family since it was the first class experience that he has actually enjoyed. I truly expected to pick him up with puffy eyes that first day; I did not expect to see him so excited and enthusiastic instead. So, thanks! Keep up the good work!

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  6. Thank you so much for directing me to your site! The blogging world truly helps me with things that I sometimes feel so "alone" on. I appreciate your insight and perspective. Your article helped me put a few things into perspective, such as the sensitivities to clothes and each gifted child being so different. So true. Thanks again! I'll be checking back often!

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  7. Hi W's Mom :) He's a pleasure in the Harry Potter class and I'm so glad he's enjoying it. I really relate to the perfectionism. It's been a long road, trying to overcome it for my daughter and it's still something we're always working on. I'm looking forward to having W in a writing class next semester. He's been such a great Daily Prophet reporter :), I know he'll do well. I will strive to make it one he really enjoys!

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  8. Thanks Mandie. I enjoyed your blog as well! It's so nice when we can learn from other moms and not just be judged by them :)

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  9. Um....you could be describing my 3 1/2 year-old, drama and all. We'll have to look into Life of Fred, I think. The decision to homeschool was a given, long before we had kids. Thank you for this post.

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  10. You, and so many of us with gifted children, have an autodidact. They learn best when they do it on their own. Mine's the same way. Once I got out of her way--look out, her learning just skyrocketed. So that's what we do. She's now 16 and an unschooler.

    But by her own choice she decided to become an exchange student this year and is happily studying French in Belgium this year! Who knows what will happen next year, and that's ok with me. I know it will involve lots of passionate learning.

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  11. Heather -- glad you liked the post. Life of Fred is wonderful. It doesn't really kick in though until 5th grade with fractions and then decimals. We used Math U See for earlier years and now as a combo with "Fred." I liked it better than Saxon, though I know lots of people who also really swear by Singapore. For me Math U See was easiest to work with. Also, for the 5th grade(ish) years, we like "Math Doesn't Suck" by Danica McKellar: http://www.mathdoesntsuck.com/

    Good luck :)

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  12. "Anonymous" - yes, definitely an autodidact and I should've recognized it since it's how I learn best too. Still, when I began parenting/homeschooling I thought I had to "teach." Now I've learned to follow.

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  13. Thank you so much for writing this post! My third son (almost 6yo) is gifted (but not in Math!) and I'm at my wits end dealing with his rage issues. I think letting go a little and letting him "drive" his education is just what we need to do!

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  14. Hi Lisa, I'm so glad it was helpful -- I know that when I found out my kid wasn't the only one with these issues -- it definitely helped.

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  15. Wow! You just described our daughter. I can't believe all the similarities, even down to the hand washing and eczema. The hardest part for us have been the questions of death and life after we die. She worries that she will be all alone in this world and has recently asked for a sibling because of it. We've always been careful about dressing her in 100% cotton due to eczema but she's even bothered by the seams of her socks. She began to read shortly after 3 but then took off and started reading 2nd grade leveled books which took us by surprise. I was reluctant to label her gifted but joining gifted forums and reading books like Living with Intensity has helped me to better understand our daughter. It is also nice to get support for things most people do not understand. Thank you for sharing, especially concerning her piano lessons. We recently switched from structured Suzuki lessons to a piano teacher who was more flexible and allowed her to learn music she was interested in. I think that helped a great deal. Thank you for voicing these concerns so well. So many of these kids are misunderstood. The more we voice these concerns, the more likely it will help another child. Thank you for speaking up despite what others may think or believe.

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  16. Hi Joyful Learner -- I've enjoyed your blog too :) It sounds like our kids are very similar! In my experience though, having a sibling won't take away your daughter's worries about death. Mine has one, and she still worries about me dying. It comes up a little less often lately, but it's still on her mind. I think things like this just bother these kids more because they really think through the ramifications of things and they're not easily satisfied with pat explanations. They need to really know!

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  17. Hi Holly,

    Enjoyed your post very much, as I homeschool a couple of gifted kids too. I totally relate about the auto-didactic nature of their learning. It's taken me awhile to figure it out, but they learn so much more if I just get out of the way! I hear you on the music thing, too. I've had to tell the piano teacher that we're just not interested in doing exams -- I know that it will kill the joy of creating and playing for pleasure.

    Cheers

    Lisa in Ontario

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  18. Lisa, It sounds like you have had a handle on the music thing all along. I wish I knew then, what I know now... It's so funny too -- I was trained classically on the piano (practice an hour every day, scales, annual exams/competitions, etc.), and I never even thought of alternatives. Every other part of her schooling was "alternative" and it wasn't until my sister pointed out this huge gaping inconsistency that the light bulb went off.

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  19. Holly,
    I also am a mother to a both gifted and sensitive child. You touched on many of the issues we deal with daily. Since I am just at the point where I will have to quit working and commit to homeschooling I feel that I am having to defend my reasons constantly. The question of where he will go to school next year comes up often. I am glad to have you and other blogging mommas here to keep me company while I am starting down this new path that so many people judge me harshly for.

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  20. Hi Phoebe, I'm so sorry you've met such resistance to homeschooling. I had just the opposite experience. My parents are all public school teachers (Mom, Dad, Stepmom, Stepdad). They all thought homeschooling was the best possible way to go! You might tell the naysayers that homeschoolers are now actively sought by universities because they make such strong, successful college students. Homeschoolers do better on all standardized tests and as far as "social" issues -- my only problem is keeping the number of activities down to something reasonable. We do park day, homeschooling co-op classes, girl scouts, sports, lessons.... Trust me, the "home" in homeschooling is often a misnomer. Good luck and if the naysayers don't give up, give them a few years. My in-laws were a little worried until about two years into it when they saw the results. Now they're huge supporters!

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  21. I enjoyed your post! Our family has homeschooled of necessity--to find "a fit". As a young parent I never would have thought I'd homeschool, but it turned out to be wonderful in many unexpected ways: less stress, children who feel invested in what they learn and who can do so at their own pace, time to play and daydream, lots of hands-on experiences (for example, nothing like a child experimenting with recipes for a foundation in math and chemistry, IMO) and fieldtrips. Every child and every family is different; every YEAR is different as these children are so asynchronous! We have ended up with different school/college solutions for all three kids as they've gotten older. Flexibility is key--what is important is a healthy (in every sense) individual child.

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  22. I certainly see your point Kathee -- flexibility is the key! I try to keep that in mind when things get frustrating. Sometimes if I can just change gears, everything works out :)

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  23. Hi...
    We are going through the same experience with our (just turning) 4 year old daughter. Whether to choose a dress for her or a bowl for her snack she has her opinion.Quite individualistic.She ask about life and death, worries who will look after her after we die.. etc etc.Our daughter is out of school,she likes freedom and open space, lots of sports, lots of colouring,lots of fun and laughter, dance and music.Decided that she can learn when she wants to learn, rather than forcing her.All are at peace now at home.I am only designing her time table everyday with her cooperation. At present it is working out.. but she doesnt have friends of her own age group. Also since she is homeschooling, difficult to get other kids to play as they all go to school.She is a bit worried when anybody asks her about her school,but she is happy on her own!!
    Annie

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  24. Sounds like you've created a great environment for your daughter Annie! If you're worried about playmates, try local homeschool park days, but at 4 I wouldn't worry too much about it :)

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  25. This is my second year homeschooling my gifted 7yr son. I'm really not sure how long I want to do this and if I'm going down the right road. We are doing a curriculum that is 1 grade level ahead in most subjects and 2 grade levels ahead in Math & reading. Looking down the road how difficult will it be to enrolling him in high school or college a year early or at the grade level he is at?
    Thanks & God bless
    LANA (IL)

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  26. Hi Lana,

    A lot of homeschoolers use community colleges as a transition to college. Kids can start taking classes at 14 and then transfer. That helps avoid the boredom that sets in when you try and put a kid in 6th grade when he/she has already completed 9th/10th grade work.

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  27. Hello,

    My son was clearly talking at 9 months, reading and writing at 3 etc. He was/is a very articulate super fast learner. Being a teacher myself I really tried to find the best parts of the educational system/schools for him. After my youngest was born, I decided to stay home to be with my babies. At the time my son was in 2nd grade. I finally pulled him out of school at the end of last year to homeshool. I was finally over all of the "What if's" and "Can I do it's". I knew my son needed something very unique and he was so not getting it at his school. I was tired of the teachers trying to convince me that things were just fine and it was his responsibility to get the most out their lessons. His Language Arts teacher told me "I have other smart kids in my class you know...." I explained that we need to make the distinction between "Smart" and "Gifted". I received nothing but defensiveness and grief. And really all I needed was differentiated instruction for my kid. So he wasn't academically behind...that doesn't mean that he does not deserve to be taught at his level. I pulled him out at the end of last year to homeschool. He is in 6th grade this year. I so wish I would have done it sooner. I just tried to be super involved, and make it work. It just never worked for him. He was never taught at his level and struggled to fit the mold that they wanted for him. He is a great kid. I feel so blessed that this is where we are now. My first grader is also learning at an advanced rate. I am homeschooling her too. It's funny, I was so worried about doing the right thing for my kiddos and I hesitated. Now, I can't imagine it any other way. I am glad I found this blog. I am curious to know your thoughts on sports. My son loves sports, and at the high school level are there any teams that you all know of that he can participate in? With out attending a traditional high school...being homeschooled? Thanks for your thoughts!


    Rach~CA

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  28. Hi Rach -- I'm so glad you found a solution that's working for your kids. I know some school districts allow homeschoolers to participate in their sports programs, so definitely ask about this in you district and any nearby districts. I've also heard great things about Todd Nash's homeschool athletics program (http://www.californiaathletics.com/). In my own area, there are local ski clubs and mountain biking clubs for kids (and homeschoolers are welcomed and in fact encouraged to join). My girls have also done gymnastics, ice skating (& hockey) and participated in sports classes through local park days. We have a Mom in our park group who used to be a high school gym coach and she offers flag football, basketball, soccer, volleyball, etc. classes in 6-week segments year round. I'm sure there are other groups that have someone like that as well. There are lots of local groups that offer organized sports through the public parks system too. Hope that helps! :)

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  29. Hi PinionKnitter,

    Thank you for your thoughts on sports. We currently participate in park and rec sports, little league, NJB basketball, and football. My girls also take dance at a local studio. My son is good for now I was just thinking more on the high school level. I will check out Todd Nash's website. Thanks for sharing!

    ~Rach~CA

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  30. Love this post Holly! Someone asked me the other week about what we used for curriculum. I gave my usual vague answer about being eclectic, but they pushed for more specific information. After going over just a few specifics and answering the whats and whys of it all I once again received the looks that says, "nice bragging" and "Oh your one of THOSE moms". As I averted my eyes and awkwardly made our exit I felt fiercely protective of my kids and my dignity. "Well," I thought to myself, "she asked, all I did was tell the truth."

    I love having you out there in my Universe! ((hugs))

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  31. Thank you Lisa -- I'm so glad this has resonated with people!! I knew there were Moms out there who had walked in my shoes :)

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